my queerness is unquestionable. it is inherent and undeniable. yet it is something I am still learning to choose to embody on a daily basis.
choosing queerness is an act of continuous shedding. of allowing my body to forget who and how we were told to be and deciding each moment who we are.
photo by rica g 2023
it requires constant checking in with self. why do I do this thing? how does this make me feel? am I uncomfortable because this is unhealthy or because it is new, and I’m more familiar with trauma than abundance?
I think one of the most beautiful aspects of being queer with intention is the act of creating self. of deciding who you want to be in/to/for the world, then doing it on purpose. it’s acknowledging that we hold the power to be anything. that the only permission you ever need is your own.
I think many of us coming out of christian upbringings or having strict parents struggle with freeing ourselves internally from external validation/permission seeking. the subconscious need for someone else to support your decision. your love. your very existence. this needing of a hierarchy. but there has to come a time where we recognize that just by being we are valid. we were born, so we are valid. and just like all the varieties of fish and birds and flowers who exist exactly as they are without hesitation, we must do the same. we have just as much right to joy and love as every other living thing on this planet, and an obligation to use our gifts if we truly wish to pave the way for a more loving future.
I had the joy of visiting kindred on the rock recently. a sanctuary in point hill, st catherine, built and cultivated by the incredible staceyann chin. as far as pride events go, this has by far been the most connected and meaningful of all I've experienced in jamaica. it included a collection of jamaicans living at home and from the diaspora, with some connecting with their ancestral homeland for the first time. we spoke about homecoming, about the importance of understanding one's ancestry/story in order to stand fully in one's present. about what the intersection of queer and jamaican really mean and how to carry that into the world. about what we really want a need from community. I'm still processing and finding all the words for the experience, but it brought up all these questions I've asked here. led me to look at the group of us, and find myself reflected in all the bodies surrounding me, regardless of physical appearance. there were so many similar lines in our stories. and the most important one of all, is that no matter where those lines started, they all converged here. on a hill. in the country. in jamaica. we were surrounded by love that day, and that is the most powerful medicine I know. I'm grateful to have experienced such unexpected abundance in a land that is known for its hatred. grateful for the members of the point hill community who showed us nothing but kindness. there was no us or them. just love. it was one of the few experiences where I've witnessed the power of meeting as a means of breaking down the walls of otherness. "they can't see/know/love us if we hide".
so as we unravel the many layers of pride month as people of colour, I ask what queerness is to you? what does it mean to embody your truth in the big and small moments of daily life?