observing my cats and the ways they specifically look for surfaces to sit on that match their colour, and it made me think about the concept of camouflage/blending in for survival and how this translates for humans. the ways we yearn for culture and home and community that looks/feels like us, and how the fear some experience towards standing out may not seem so strange after all. there is safety in blending in. a feeling of belonging. and those of us who have never felt that can experience ostracization and feelings of being born in the wrong family/city/country. there’s something in the way people tell you you’re “different” that typically doesn’t equal something “good”. it can deter ones from fully expressing and embracing their differences. from feeling safe in this otherness. where do we belong if not at “home”? it forces us to either shrink and contort into boxes that don’t fit, or to redefine the word for ourselves.
as someone who is racially ambiguous and often androgynous, the concept of fitting in has been something I’ve always struggled with. I suppose witnessing my cats in this way made it feel less abnormal to have had these desires, though I know there is vital healing in embracing the beautiful differences within me that will forever make me stand out. I don’t think I’ll ever fully blend in anywhere, and I know now I’m not made to. but I’d love to experience being in a space surrounded by people who look more like me, even just to feel what that feels like one time. an elder spoke about that experience being a vital one to the soul, and it hit me that even amongst my biological family, we all look so different that I don’t have that feeling with them either. the closest I probably came was in my visit to mexico, but knowing I’m not mexican and being unable to communicate fluently with people still set us apart. I only even realized it was happening because locals would approach me speaking in rapid spanish and seem surprised when I’d ask them to speak slowly and my accent gave me away as a foreigner.
if you’ve ever struggled with being unable to leave your house without extra attention on you, or walk into a room unnoticed, maybe your desires to blend in a little more aren’t so unnatural. but don’t let that stop you from loving the very things that set you apart. every indigenous culture I’ve read about/experienced speaks of the importance of finding one’s place in the village, for nothing functions properly if everyone is the same. your differences are your light. your gifts. you just have to learn how to wield them, then find the courage to do so with confidence.
☽